We contemplated having a third for a few years. We prayed about it, wavered back and forth, talked to friends about it and finally knew it was the right timing for our family. We were really afraid (you can see some previous
post for details) to have another child. We felt a peace from God and we felt like our family wasn't complete.
Took the plunge- 9 months later had the sweetest little girl. All of our fears were replaced with joy and peace. We were like a well-oiled machine. Even though we tackled those first hard weeks as a team, we didn't want to do it again. I savored every second, holding Leslie as much as I could. Knowing each milestone would probably be my last to go through with a baby. It was a sense of sadness but also a relief to a degree.
I typed and then deleted a paragraph about things that happened next but I knew my mom wouldn't approve so basically we couldn't afford for things to get taken care of permanently yet. Since we do know what causes it, we were taking preventions to not get pregnant...
I kept taking naps (should have been my first sign) and just so tired. I also got sick with some kind of sinus infection that was awful. I remember the nurse asking me if I could be pregnant-- UM NO! Of course not! Lol. I remember telling my sister n law that I was a few days late but must be my hormones evening out or I charted wrong.
So...here comes November 8 (5 days late). GT comes home for lunch, we load the kids up to go vote. I asked him to run by Freds so I can get a test. I buy 2, 98 cent test. Come home take one...totally expecting it to be negative. If someone would have bet me 1 million dollars I would have taken the bet that it would be negative. But in just 30 seconds, I looked down to see this...
I was holding Leslie on my hip in complete shock, went outside to find GT checking on the chickens. My face said it all. We just couldn't believe it. I called my mom and cried and cried. It wasn't my plan. It wasn't our plan. The other three had been planned. We were going to have three kids.
I had just sold many of Leslie's baby things. I've sold all of her clothes from birth-9 months. We changed our insurance plan to a lesser plan because we weren't having anymore babies. I just got back to my pre-pregnancy weight. My head was spinning. How? Why? What?
I try to be as honest and real life as I can on here (sorry mom) but I struggled with this for weeks. I knew deep in my heart that this baby was a gift from God but my head just couldn't understand it. I felt so guilty because I didn't want to be pregnant. I wasn't excited. The sickness/tiredness hit and I was kind of angry. I wasn't prepared to be pregnant again. Add keeping up with a 12 month old. Add a 7 & 5 year old too. Add the holidays. It was tough.
THEN, God started working on my heart. I went to the Natalie Grant/ Danny Gokey Christmas concert. She started singing her newest hit, "King of This World", somehow I had never heard it.
Here is the first verse and chorus:
I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world
Wow. The tears just started coming. How had I made this all about me? This baby (just like my others) aren't mine. They are HIS. Completely HIS. He gave us this baby. Now, I can see how special this baby is. This baby is meant to be and chosen to be by Him and not us. What a blessing and honor, that God has blessed us with another one.
I am not saying I don't still freak out. When moments are tough, I think how in the world am I going to do this with four kids? And God reminds me, you can't do it. But I can. Lean on me.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:15-16
More than ever I read these verses as a reminder...this wasn't a surprise to God. My days have been ordained by Him. So have the days of this baby growing in my womb. Amazing what happens when your heart of anger is melted into a heart of gratitude.
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