Being a MOM

When I knew I wanted to be a mom...Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a mom. When my friends wanted to play school, doctor etc... I wanted to play mom. That was it. I had tons of baby dolls, that I played with probably too long. They all had names and many outfits. I had a baby stroller, pack-n-play etc...I felt like they were my real babies. So I say since I was a baby, I wanted a baby. I really feel like I was born to be a mom. I've always said I wanted 6 kids. I really mean it. I would love a house full of kids, full of craziness and chaos. But my husband only wants 3, so we will see :)

So now on to becoming a mom. When GT and I started dating, I made it very clear to him how bad I wanted to have children. He knew before we ever said I love you, that when I have children I will stay home with them. We got married July 12, 2008...I think every day after our honeymoon I asked if we could have a baby. He kept saying "No, I am enjoying it being just us right now." And how can a girl argue with that? So I held off until September. I told GT I was getting off the pill and it was up to him if he wanted to use other means of birth control. And on December 6 we got pregnant. We found out on New Years Eve. I WAS SO EXCITED! 

Being pregnant...I could write a novel on this, but I will make it short. My mom and mother-n-law had miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant, I was very very excited, but I knew in the back of my mind that it could result in miscarriage. So for the first 6 weeks that I knew I was pregnant I would go to the bathroom like every 20 minutes to make sure I was bleeding. I had dreams about it. or nightmares rather. So then I was 11 weeks and had my first ultrasound. We saw the heartbeat and the little fetus that would be our little girl. It was such a relief for me. There was really a baby in there! Then shortly after that I started bleeding a little. I thought it was happening. I prayed so hard and God gave me a peace. It was like He just put His hand on me, and said, "I am in control". I went to the doctor and she did an exam and another ultrasound. The baby was fine. Whew. Apparently, I had an infection and it was causing me to bleed. It had nothing to do with the baby and her development. Then at the next ultrasound my parents came and we found out we were having a girl. Since the day I found out we were pregnant, I knew it was a girl. I just knew. And I wanted a girl really bad. So when the u/s tech told us it had girl parts---I was like I knew it!!! And so excited. During my pregnancy, as many of you know, my husband was laid off. I was working at CPS. I really enjoyed my job at times, but it is very stressful and I had to travel alot. So at one point, I was having anxiety alllllllll the time. I had never really had anxiety like that, so I told my doctor and she put me on some medicine for it. Before that, I was crying every night, I wasnt so nice to my husband, I couldnt get work done etc...That medicine was a miracle! It helped me get through the next months. Until one weekend I didnt take it and was fine. So I never took another pill. My bestfriend, Allison, came to Longview. She helped GT paint the nursery. She helped me decorate. Her visit was something I needed SO bad and it came just at the right time.  Thank God for her! I had known from about 7 months something wasnt quite right. I was swelling ALOT but kept thinking it was normal. And I had always thought from the beginning that I would have gestational diabetes, bc diabetes is all in my family. So yall know the rest of this story when I got put into the hospital and so on. So skip all that. If you dont know it, go back to previous post if you are interested. Then we get to August 3 at 7:30 am. The high-risk doctor says, "we have to take the baby today"....   ***Side note that I failed to mention*** On January 28, 2009 ( I just went back and looked at facebook) I had read an email from our previous Sunday School class where this girl I knew had put she was pregnant. So I sent her a message on facebook tell her I was pregnant, and now we (and our daughters :) ) are best friends. Lynzie and I started hanging out when we were our first trimester. We had many late game nights and scrap booking nights. Many lunches on our lunch break. Many conversations during softball games. And now, our life is little girls. I am very very lucky to have such a good friend that is in the same stage of life as I am. When I had Audrie, she was still pregnant (it was supposed to happen the other way) she came over every day for the first week. She was such a big help. She even helped me breast feed. And you would think, no big deal, but breast feeding for me was not normal. It involved two people... Anyway, I am very grateful for her! 

Ok, now for BEING a MOM!...The first time I held Audrie, I was so tired from pushing that I didnt really have time to take it in. I remember when everyone left for a few minutes. It was just me, GT and Audrie. I didnt know what to think.  I didnt feel an overwhelming love or emotion for her. I felt tired. And I was like did I just push that out of me! HAHA. Then family came in and I didnt really hold her again until like 11 pm. and she was born at 6 pm. (Next time I have a baby that will not happen.) So then that night, I got to sleep with her on my chest. Bare skin to bare skin. (Not such a good idea because i was taking vicodin) BUT I wouldnt trade it for the world. That is when I felt the overwhelming love for her and that is when I cried tears of joy. So then fast forward two days and we are home. I remember coming in sitting in the recliner with Audrie and both the pups-thinking- what do we do now? Gratefully, my wonderful mother came like an hour later! She stayed with us for 4 days. Thank God for MAMAS! I had always heard the first week home is survival. For us I think it was the first month. Is being a mom what I thought it would be? Yes and No. It is wonderful and amazing like I thought it would be. BUT it is also extremely hard sometimes. You do learn to become selfless. It is hard on a marriage. It is hard to take care of yourself anymore, because honestly you dont matter anymore. I spent the first month feeling like a bad mom. Feeling like a bad mom because I didnt succeed at breast feeding. Because I didnt follow Growing Kids Gods Way. Because I didnt have Audrie on a schedule. Because I held her most of the time. Because she slept in bed with me most nights. Then one day, I was just like I dont care. And then my life got much easier. I do what works for my family. Yeah, sometimes I do things for me. because of my attachment with Audrie. And I am ok with that. As each day goes by, I become more attached to her. I thought it would be reverse. I thought I would be attached at birth and become less attached as she got older. Not so much. I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE AUDRIE. I LOVE the joy she has brought in our lives. I LOVE seeing GT as a daddy. I LOVE talking to other moms. I LOVE reading baby center :)   

And I still want to do it again 5 more times...