The "monster" really came unleashed during my first pregnancy. I became this hormonal mess of a woman. I treated my husband worst than I would treat my dog. When I look back at it, I think WHO was that woman? I get embarrassed by how I acted and even though we laugh about it now, I still tell GT how sorry I am for being that way. What I hate the most is I thought it was ok. I blamed it on the pregnancy and my job. Even though they did contribute a big deal, it was not ok.
Then, Audrie is born. I wish the monster went away. But she didnt. She really got worst. And my husband had some monster come out in him. Of course we couldnt take it out on our newborn, so we took it out on each other. We blamed it on lack of sleep and the exhaustion only a new baby could bring. I dont remember even feeling a bond with my husband during that first 3 months of Audries life. We were only surviving.
Things got better. We attended a marriage retreat and God really did a work in our marriage which in turn affected our patience with each other and with a baby...
Then Audrie became a toddler. And my monster returned. I have a hard time explaining the frustration that a toddler brings. It is so much fun and I love her more than I could ever imagine loving someone, along with it comes a different kind of exhaustion and frustration. I would never have thought I would get so worked up over a 18 month old getting in dog food. And of course I blame it on being pregnant again and Audrie being so strong-willed. Again, both of those did contribute, but I hate who I become at times. This is not the example God wants me to pass on to Audrie.
I have been struggling with this for a few months now. It comes and goes, some days are worst than others. Then God spoke...
And He said, Lydia...come to me. Pray to me for the patience and the wisdom. You are trying to be a parent on your own and this is never how it is supposed to be. On your own, you are a monster because you're broken come to me and I will make you whole.
I cannot tell you the relief and peace I feel now. Will the monster still come out? More than likely. But the fact that God is on my parenting team makes me rest assured that things will be ok. Part of this has come from reading the book "What the Bible Says about Parenting" by John McArthur. I am only on the second chapter and it has been life-changing. I will share more later...
2 comments:
Its only natural for the monster to come out...actually, I think its a little healthy...its better than bottling it in. I bottled alot of it in when Emma was born and as you know, bad things happened! Be careful not to hold it in. Pray for God to give you patience and a healthy RELEASE of some sort. People forget about that at times, everyone needs a release. Just make sure its a healthy release such as crafting, bargain hunting, painting...even just a special coffee drink from Starbucks or ICE CREAM - my favorite. Can't wait to see what Ki looks like!
Girl, you are right. Thats what I have been learning. Ways to let the monster out in a healthy way or ways to release my frustrations. Part of the reason I went back to work part time and it has helped tremendously! Thank you for your words! I cant wait to see him too!
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