Post-Partum Anxiety

These past few days have been rough to say the least. It really started Tuesday night. I fed Ki and laid down in the bed and couldnt turn my mind off. I had all these negative thoughts running through my mind. Like, why in the world did we decide to have 2 kids so close in age? How can I do this? How can I breastfeed him every 2-3 hours for an hour at a time and keep up with a toddler? Etc... It was horrible. I didnt sleep at all in between those feedings. I told GT about it and just kind of shrugged it off. **Alot of this came from going to the lactation consultant. She told us that Ki needed to have 3 poo diapers before 3 the next day. If not, I was going to have to pump and give him an ounce of breastmilk by a bottle. This gave me super super anxiety. I couldnt imagine breastfeeding him for 45 minutes then pumping??!?!? All the while keeping Audrie busy. And I knew Thursday GT would be going back to work and I would be alone with the kids.

Then Wednesday, I cried off and on all day. We had a few visitors which made me feel better. Then when it was time to go to sleep, I couldnt sleep. I called my mom at 2:30 in the morning. We talked for about an hour and decided to stop breastfeeding. It was causing me too much anxiety and I needed to be a mommy. I fed him his first bottle at 3:30 am. It lifted a big anxiety and I was able to sleep for an hour. When I was up for the day, I couldnt stop crying. I couldnt even get a sentence out without crying. I called my dad and asked him to come get me and the kids. I called my doc and told his nurse what was going on and she called me in Lexapro. As soon as I took the first pill I stopped crying. I feel bad for the pharmacist. When he was explaining the medicine to me, I broke down crying. So, I stopped crying after I took the first pill, but I still had strong anxiety.

That Thursday night I knew I needed to sleep. I took 2 tylenol p.m., a hot bath and still didnt sleep well. I couldnt get into a deep sleep. The next 3 days, I spent sleeping some, still having anxiety and not sleeping well. The doc called in some vistaril for anxiety and ambien. I finally slept 2 nights with the ambien. And by Sunday, I was able to go to the grocery store. Between Thursday and Sunday morning, it was like I couldnt function. I couldnt eat. I couldnt take care of Audrie or Ki. I couldnt even feed him his bottle. My mom spent all of those nights getting up with him. My mom and GT took turns feeding him. It was horrible. I felt like I would never be normal again and be able to take care of kids.

After Sunday, each day got a little better. I slept Monday and Tuesday night without an ambien and started taking care of the kids Monday at my moms house to make sure I could do it by myself. We came home on Wednesday. I am no longer taking the ambien and only taking the vistaril if I am having strong anxiety, but it makes me sleepy. I am taking the Lexapro until my 6 wk appt then going to talk to the doc about weaning off of it.

It was an experience for sure. I am so grateful for my family and friends. I know alot of people were praying for me. I dont think I would be as well today without those prayers. I wanted to write about this because I realize from talking to other moms about it that I am not alone. Many women experience this and it is very scary but it does make it better to talk to someone who has gone through it.