First of all, the baby is fine. As far as I know. But since I started to write again I forgot how much I missed it. Sometimes being a mom can be lonely and you have all these thoughts in your head but at the end of the day when the kids and life have sucked you dry, they just stay there. There is no energy to share them.
We have had a rough few months at the Nehls house. In December, GT changed to a new job. Completely different from what he was doing before. We weren't looking for a change but apparently it was looking for us. It was such a grey area. We prayed and prayed for God to make it a black and white decision. GT's previous job was comfortable and safe (at the time) so we couldn't understand why in the world we would need to leave it. And it meant making a move eventually. After lots of prayer and not really an answer, we gleaned from Moses, and took a big step of faith. GT accepted the new adventure and our lives took some changing. GT started driving to Shreveport everyday and we put the house on the market in January.
Not too long after GT started his new job, we heard about pay cuts, lay offs and other things happening at his previous company. Little by little, God confirmed that we had made the right decision. We felt such a reassurance and peace. We praised God during this season of loving us so much to intervene and lead us on this new journey.
The first few months were "good". We had faith, we prayed for a buyer and I put my big girl panties on and kept the house spotless for 3 months. (If you know me at all this is NOT normal) There was a week span where GT went to Canada and I mopped the floors 5 times that week. WHAT!?!???
So then I found out I was pregnant. I tried to get off my medication completely. And life began to show its ugly head. This is where I think we both started to take our eyes of Jesus. This didn't make sense...I was ready to get off the medication. We were "ready" to get pregnant. God orchestrated this new job and this new move...WHY WASNT OUR HOUSE SELLING???? Surely, God wanted our family to be together more. Not to mention my dad failing health. (Moving means being closer to my family) My mom needs me to be closer. Why? Why? Why? Why?
I could tell our relationship begin to change with each other. I blamed it on the pregnancy nausea/tiredness. Finally, it all came to ahead through a heated argument...that turned into an admission that we had both lost faith. Where is God in all of this? Why would He lead us this far and then stop? We felt Him so real in the beginning of all this...
This is the paragraph when I tell you that we sold our house for more than we were asking and we found the perfect house in Shreveport with awesome financing. BUT thats not how our story is unfolding. We are taking the house off the market next week and we are going to make it a rental property. Its scary and risky but we see no other options. We do feel good about this and are praying hard about who God has to move in.
So are we disappointed? Yes. It still sucks. And it hurts. This was not our plan. We had such a different idea of how this was going to play out. But I keep asking myself is God still good? Did God still lead GT to this job in the first place? Did God want us to get pregnant? And the answer is YES! 100% yes!
We were like Peter walking on water. We had so much faith at first, then God didn't show up how we wanted Him to so we took our eyes off of Him and put our eyes on ourselves. Of course we began to drown. Our marriage relationship, my temper with the kids and just my overall love or lack there of for life just started to fail.
Just last week this began to change when we realized what we had done. We were so caught up in it, I didn't even see it. And God is beginning to speak to me, to reassure me, to give me nuggets of hope. I think He was doing this all along but I just quit looking.
GT sent me a devotional about disappointments that he get through his email everyday. I just cried when I read it because it summed up my feelings exactly. You can read it
here.
Then I watched a video yesterday thats been floating around facebook. It is about a couple who experienced infertility for a few years. It's 15 minutes but it is so worth it if you haven't watched it yet. You can watch it
here.
My favorite part is towards the end when she says God was telling her "I have been here this whole time, you didnt know it but I've been walking this thing with you. Trust me, trust me, trust me. I've got something good, I've got something good up ahead."
So I write all this to say I don't have any answers. I know so many people facing disappointments, struggles and hard times right now. I don't know why. I don't know what God is doing. I have NO IDEA why He is writing this chapter in our lives this way BUT I know HE has a reason. And whatever He is doing is better then anything we could have planned ourselves.
