My 2009 Highlights

As this year comes to a close, I have decided to document my highlights of 2009 (the good and the bad).

• December 31, 2008- I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!!! Then I took 3 more! :) All positive.

• January 2009- My niece, Claire Bear, had her 1st birthday! My husband turned 24. I was soooo nauseous, and craved cheese. And lost like 15 pounds! Entered back into my addiction of LOST.

• February 2009-Entered back into my American Idol addiction. Paid off alot of debt with our tax refund!

• March 2009- Started this blog. Audrie started really growing. Went to court alot for work.

• April 2009- Found out we were having a GIRL! Gt was laid off. Started my journey of learning about childbirth! Zoe turned 1.

• May 2009- Went to Amarillo with Cherie. Put our house back on the market. Got a nasty stomach virus and threw up like 20 times in 2 days...ugh. My best buddy Allison came to visit!!!! Painted the nursery. Kept my nephew Carter by myself overnight!

• June 2009- My parents celebrated their 36th wedding anniversary. Took my glucose test and passed. One of my best friends lost her dad :( Audrie started moving ALOT. Went on the lake with the in-laws! Had my first baby shower. Started Bradley method classes. Entered back into my addiction of Big Brother!

• July 2009- My dad was put in the hospital for blood clots. Had another wonderful baby shower. Put on bed rest. Put in the hospital. Started reading the Sookie Stackhouse books. Our 1 Year wedding anniversary!!!!!!

• August 2009- Audrie was born! Learned what "survival" meant for the first few weeks home. My cousin Cheryl gave birth to Jacey. Lynzie gave birth to Adalynn.

• September 2009- My sweet niece, Ellie, was born. Another cousin, Heather, gave birth to Reese. Jeff from BB went to the jury house- sad day. Allie Bear turned 2. Started watching the first season of Fringe and got addicted! GT got a job!

• October 2009- Found out we were going to be able to stay in Longview and took our house off the Market! YAY! My buddy and her hubby came to visit and go to Tech Homecoming!!!!!!

• November 2009- Started making baby food. Audrie rolled over from her stomach to back for the first time. My grandma, Nanny, had a stroke and fell. Saw New Moon! Put Audrie in her room, to sleep in her crib, for good!

• December 2009- My nephew, Carter, turned 1! Audrie was put in the hospital with the Croup. Made my first pecan pie! Sold GT's truck. Put Audrie in the church nursery for the first time!

Gone Baby Gone

Tonight, the movie Gone Baby Gone was on tv. GT told me it was a good movie, I would like it. Aparrenty, we own it, so we watched it. Whoa. If you havent seen it, I would suggest it. And now, I cant sleep without getting my thoughts out.

Because I worked for CPS, this movie was more real to me than fiction. When it comes to child abuse alot of people think Ignorance is Bliss. I am not going to lie, I was relieved to no longer work for CPS thinking this would be the case for me. It is not. There isnt a day when I dont think about one of my kids or parents or both. When people would ask me where I worked, they would always respond with, "That has to be a tough job". I would respond with, "it is hard because of the hours and amount of work, but it is rewarding to know I am giving a child a new chance at life or I am helping a family get reunited to have a better life together." The truth is working for CPS, being a social worker, is hard. It is hard because for the most part people dont change. My eyes were opened to so much in that year and 1/2. I saw parents who quit drugs cold turkey the minute their children were taken away and then I saw parents who wouldnt even show up to see their child for their weekly 1 hour visit. But it was ALWAYS for the child. However, there were the hard cases, when there was a fine line. What is really best for the child? I would try so hard to believe in some of my parents, just to be let down time and time again. There were times I would come home and just cry because I didnt know what to do to help them and I knew they were going to lose their child. Or I would cry because they were doing everything "right", but I knew the child didnt need to go back home.

I really thought when I left CPS, I would never look back. I was very wrong. It is like it is deep in my heart. I feel empty because I am not "saving the world". I dont know if I will ever go back. It is alot of work. Long hours. Stressful hours. Alot of traveling. I dont feel like I could be the kind of parent I want to be to Audrie and my future children. Yall know from my previous posts how strongly I feel about staying home. Watching that movie just made me feel sad, empty and like I am not doing my part. Really though, I dont know if I could make it working for CPS again. Having a child, my perspective has totally changed on 2 levels. 1) I cant imagine ANYONE taking Audrie from me. Now, I know I am not a parent that would have her child taken away, but most parents really do love their child. So on that level, I feel like I might sympathize with a mother or father who has had their child taken. 2) The 2nd level, I would want to yell at the parents for doing something SO stupid to have their child taken away. That they would do something so selfish and put there child in harms way, etc... It could possibly make me a better caseworker because I wouldnt put up with crap that I used to prior to having Audrie.

Anyway, it is a sad world. Before CPS, I was so ignorant. I cant ignore it any longer because now I know. Everyday I thank GOD that He placed me in my family. It is so hard to understand why I got wonderful, loving parents who love the Lord and other children get parents who are cracked out and leave them at home for hours alone. Or gives them drugs. Or puts them in cages. Or doesnt give them food but instead buys alcohol or beer. Or doesnt take them to medical appointments and lets them become "failure to thrive". There were many times during my CPS days, and even now, I ask God, "Why?". Life isnt fair. But there is hope, God loves everyone. Jesus died on the cross for every person. No matter what their life was/is like. " But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us"- Romans 5:8 " And He has a plan for everyone. "For I know the plans I have for you, declare the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope a future.- Jeremiah 29:11

New Developments!

I have just realized I havent done a post on Audrie developmental updates in a while...so here goes...

• On December 23, Audrie learned how to roll over from her back to belly. She did it like 30 times in a row. Everytime we would put her on her back she would just roll over. Now, she is rolling over more from her belly to back for some reason. 
• Yesterday (12/29), I started introducing Audrie to a sippy cup. I have to put her hands on the handles for her to grasp it then she sometimes gets it in her mouth. I am hoping by 6 months she will be good at it, so we have a whole month to work on it!
• Since my last baby food making posts, I have introduced sweet potatoes and avocado. She really likes the sweet potatoes. She isnt too sure about the avocado, but she eats it anyway. 
• Audrie is smiling sooooo much. She can find me by my voice in any room even if it is full of other people. She will just start smiling if she hears me talk.
• I think she recognizes her name. I cant decide if she looks at me because I am talking to her or if it is because i am saying her name.
• She is pooing ALOT. Prior to baby food, she pooed once every other day. Not so much anymore. More like 4 times a day. BUT it doesnt stink as bad, and GT has started changing poopie diapers. 
• Not teeth yet. She shows all the signs of teething, but she has for a few weeks now.
• Audrie has spent 2 Sundays in the nursery at church!
• I am going to start putting Audrie in Mother's Day Out on January 6. I am a little nervous. But I really need the break. And I am just doing once a week and its just from 9-2:30. I know Audrie will do fine, not too sure about me! 

I think that is it for now! Audrie is soooooo much fun! BUT boy, am I tired! 

My Messy Plans

Today at church, the sermon was one of those where I felt like the preacher was talking just to me. It was titled, "When Your Simple Plans Get Messy". GT and I had simple plans. He moved to Longview in September 2007 to work at Eastman. I came in March 2008. We got married July 2008. We got pregnant December 2008. Everything was going beautifully according to OUR plans. We were going to have a baby, then I was going to stay home and we would still be comfortable financially.

Then our plans got messy. GT was laid off in April. We had to put our house up for sale. I was put on bed rest in the hospital. Audrie came 4 weeks early.

Then God showed us HIS plan. GT got a job as service manager with Terminix. Our house was taken off the Market. God KNEW I needed the bedrest and could not have worked my job the last 4 weeks of the pregnancy. Audrie came into this world a beautiful, healthy baby.

The pastors 3 points where GOD is trying to get our attention, God has a better plan and God wants us to learn to trust HIM.

All three of these were BIG lessons for us during this year and continues to be the lesson He is teaching us daily. God's plan was not our plan.

There is a way that seems right to a man, 

but in the end it leads to death. --Proverbs 16:25

I continue having a hard time trusting God. Even though He proved faithful over and over again. I continue wanting to do things MY way according to MY plans. And I worry...I worry about the finances. How will our mortgage get paid? How will we live when the savings run out? Should we put our house back on the market? Are we doing the right thing? Then God says, "Lydia, trust me." He is the reason we even have a house. He is the reason we have savings. He has it under control. 

"And without faith it is impossible to please God" --Hebrews 11:6

For 2010, I pray for stronger faith. To trust completely and stop worrying. To follow God's plan and stop trying to follow mine. To give God more of my attention/time and give Him time to speak to me. 

Our First ER experience

I hate the unknown. And for us going to the ER was a BIG unknown. Here is a detailed account of our experience so far...

Yesterday morning when Audrie woke up I was feeding her her bottle and I could hear some congestion in her chest. She has had a runny nose for a few weeks, but the doc said it was the weather and she didnt ever run fever. So I check her temperature mouth (pacifier thermometer), rectal and underarm. She has no fever. And is acting fine. Playing and smiling. So we bring her to church and we pick this Sunday to be her first Sunday in the church nursery. Well, she did fine. When I picked her up, the worker said she played and played the whole time. She never fussed. We went to eat with our friends, the on the way home, Audrie started coughing and crying. It sounded like a seal. I bring her inside and put her on her changing table to suction her nose. It made it worst. She couldnt breath. So I picked her up. Called the weekend nurse. She said go to the ER. GT is driving 90 to nothing with his hazards on. We get here and a nurse at the front desk ask me whats wrong. I start explaining it, then she hears Audrie. So she picks her up calls the back and says, "we have a baby respiratory distress". That freaked me out. First off, she took my baby from me, 2nd of all, what do you mean respiratory distress? It does not sound good.

So they take us back to a ER room. 4 nurses come in and start doing all sorts of things. Drawing blood, doing an IV, taking a urine sample with a catheter, doing nose swabs, chest x-rays, etc... They tell us it might be RSV or croup. The whole time Audrie is screaming and not breathing well. Her cry sounds like a seal mixed with a barking dog. It is very scary. I was crying the whole time. And they kept asking me if I was ok. GT was in the corner getting mad because they were hurting his little girl. It was a mess. So finally they are done running test, so I pick her up and hold her. Also, I failed to mention, she hadnt slept all day since she woke up at 8 and its about 2 at this time. Usually she would have had 2 1hr naps. So I holding her and she is kind of sleeping. The nurse comes in to give her steroids and cant get the IV to flush. So he has to re-do it. No fun. Then the doc comes in. Explains its either RSV or croup and will be getting results shortly. And he said he wants an x-ray of her neck to check out the flap on the esophagus. The nurse checks her temp its 101.7. So we give her tylenol. Doc comes in a little later says its not RSV but her white blood count is high. It is croup. Prior to this experience, I thought croup was the name they gave sickness if it was nothing else. You know, like, if a baby is fussy for no apparent reason, they are colicky. But I was wrong. Here is the definition found on google: a disease of infants and young children; harsh coughing and hoarseness and fever and difficult breathing". Treatment for croup is steroids and breathing treatments. They admitted Audrie into the hospital since she was so little and her airway was so constricted.

We got into a room about 6:30 last night. Grammy and Pappy came to help out. She was given 3 breathing treatments through-out yesterday, along with steroids and anti-biotics. Last night, she started to smile and laugh again. Poor little girl. She was such a trooper. She went to sleep for good at midnight, after a bottle and a breathing treatment. When they came in at 3 to give her steroids, her IV wasnt flushing again so that was a mess. She went back to sleep right when they were done. Then woke up at 7. Our pediatrician came this morning. He said as long as she can go 12 hours without a breathing treatment we can home, which will be at noon.

This experience so far was very scary. My mom always told me when I hurt, she hurt. I never understood until now. It is like you are helpless and you would do anything to make your child stop hurting. You wish it could be you and not her. It was scary too because it happened SO fast. In like an hour.



I am so grateful for everyone praying for us. I knew God had his hand in it all the time. His plan is perfect even though we sometimes cannot understand it. My dad reminded me yesterday how children do not belong to us but the Heavenly Father. And in times like these we have to continue giving God the control of His children. It is a hard lesson to learn and I re-learn it every day. Audrie does belong to God and I am extremely thankful and humbled that He chose GT and I to be her earthly parents. I feel that I am so unworthy. He is Good and Faithful always.

Santa Baby

We went and saw Santa at the mall on Monday. It went over better than expected. Audrie didnt cry, she didnt smile either, but that was to be expected. If you didnt know, my child is quite serious and doesnt smile too much at people other than me or GT. And I thought the Santa at our mall looked real!

Lynzie and I have been talking alot about what we are going tell the girls when they are able to understand Christmas and Santa. My parents didnt tell us that Santa was real, but they didnt tell us he wasnt either. It didnt ruin my childhood. I understand why to tell a child and I understand its fun to believe in Santa. I guess I am just going to see what Audrie thinks about it and try to make the main focus Jesus. I would like to teach her more about giving then receiving. I cant wait for when she is old enough to understand it all! And at the same time I want her to stay 4 months! AH!

Making Baby Food

I know I have mentioned making baby food in previous posts, but I wanted to go into an extensive account of it to have the memories (and possibly to remind myself in the future).

In November, Lynzie and I decided to make green beans and green peas. Even though our girls wouldnt eat it for sometime we wanted to be prepared. So we purchased frozen green peas and beans at wal-mart. Along with small round tuperware bowls, ice trays and ziploc bags. We began by steaming them in our rice cookers. Mine is small and Lynzie's is rather large. But we felt like it took forever. (***Just for a side note, the only vegetable I eat is LeSuer (sp?) english peas, so I have no idea how to cook vegetables) So then I read the back of the bag and it says you can boil them. We did that with the other 2 bags we bought (we were a little gung--ho). Then we used a stand-up blender and a hand blender. We pureed them or so we thought, poured them in ice trays and stuck them in the deep freeze. A few days later, Lynzie popped them out and put them in Ziploc bags. 1st attempt at making baby food: successful. However, we did not puree them enough, so I have to mix them again once they are thawed.

2nd attempt at making baby food: We did carrots, squash and sweet potatoes. Carrots were done the same as the green beans and peas, except they were fresh so we had to peel and slice them AND we steamed all of them because we found out that is the best way to keep in all the nutrients. Then squash and sweet potatoes were not so easy. To do squash you cut them in half length-wise, scoop out seeds, put them face down in a pan with an inch of water. bake them in the oven, then scoop out the inside. It didnt make very much and it was alot of steps. but the pureed really well. sweet potatoes you cook like regular potato. wrap in foil. cook in oven. peel the skins. puree. they were actually hard to puree. maybe cause they are already so soft?

anyway, that has been our adventure so far. Audrie has been eating green beans for 2 days now. I offer her food 3 times a day, morning, afternoon and night. I just cant give her green beans for breakfast, it weirds me out, so she gets oatmeal. then lunch and dinner she gets green beans. at lunch she didnt care for them too much, but dinner she ate 2 oz's! And might have eaten more, but I didnt over it to her anymore!

We have been very blessed with a baby who sleeps well and eats well. Audrie met Santa too, but I will save that for another post!

Audrie and Oatmeal

I thought I would give an update to how baby food is going. We started doing it twice a day last Thursday. Naturally, we started with rice cereal. The first 2 times was a little rough. Audrie never made a bad face, however, she would push it out with her tongue instead of swallowing it! But after the first few times she eats like a pro! She opens her mouth when the spoon is brought to it. She swallows...sometimes I will say mmmm...yummy and she gets a huge smile! I love it!

So Tuesday, I was already bored with rice cereal. I knew she was getting the hang of it and I knew she wasnt allergic...so we went to oatmeal! SHE LOVES IT! GT tasted it and said it was gross. I am not one of those mama's that will taste everything I give her. No. Gross. I am making her baby food, so I hoping it will taste better than the stores, but Im still not tasting it. Anyway, she will eat all of the oatmeal sometimes...looks like she likes to eat as much as her mom and dad :) Next Tuesday, I think I will start green beans...then peas...then carrots...then squash...then sweet potatoes...

I still havent decided about giving her juice. I think I might wait until I give her a sippy cup which will be around 8 months. Who knows. Oh and today we let her taste a lemon...it was quite entertaining. I will take some pics of her eating and post it soon!

Worst Mommy Ever

For those of you moms, you know what it is like when something happens and you feel like the worst mommy ever. In just the short 4 months, Audrie and I have had together, there have been quite a few of those moments. For example: Audrie had heartburn the first 2 months of her life and I didnt know...When Audrie was about a month old, I was buckling her in her car seat, and got a piece of her leg in the buckle...etc...

well last night it happened again...For the first 2 1/2 months of Audrie's life I bit her fingernails off instead of clipping them or filing them. **For those of you who do not know babies fingernails grow really fast and are really sharp, and they like to touch their face, which=scratches** So anyway, hers are pretty long and she will not sit still enough for me to bite them anymore. I used to do it when she was eating or sleeping, but now she moves too much. SO, last night after I fed her I was going to cut them. I have successfully done this twice. I am holding her hand still and I cut a few, then one time I am cutting them, she jerks her hand, and I cut the skin :( She screams, so I hold her tight...she cried for like 20 seconds. Then she was ok. GT asks, Is she bleeding? I look at her finger and I am like no, thank God! Then I look at her other hand, it was bleeding, I was looking at the wrong hand!!!! So I put her on the changing table and there is blood everywhere. All on her pajama's, on her face, on her blanket...So GT goes and gets little bandaids and neosporin. It wasnt successful. Her finger is still bleeding the whole time. Then I try part of a cotton ball and medical tape. It worked for about a minute. The reason it was bleeding so much was because Audrie kept clenching and un-clenching her fist! The only thing that made it bearable is the whole time we are trying to put a band-aid on her, she was smiling and cooing. After she cried those 20 seconds, she never cried again.

Anyway, I felt bad. So to vent, I thought I would blog it. I mean really I know I am a good mom. That might be a cocky sentence. But after working for CPS, I KNOW I am a good mom because I have seen the definition of a BAD mom up close and personal. But when things like this happen it just makes you feel bad. I am sure there will be more of these post to come!

Turning 25

Four years ago...I guess I was turning 21. My mom sent me this email on my birthday:

Hope you had a great birthday...I know you were a blessing in our lives 21 years ago. I had already had 2 miscarriages. We didn't know if you were a boy or girl. I was having blood pressure problems and had been dilated 4 cm for a few weeks. When I went for a checkup, I used the stairs, so that didn't help the blood pressure. The Dr. said , go home get my bag and head straight to the hospital to try to get things under control and rest. We shipped the boys off to the Mudges until Mrs. Allen could get there. After several hours in the waiting room, Larry had to throw a fit!. He said we came because my wife needs to get some rest and her blood pressure under control..she needs a room right now! A little more forceful as I remember! It worked. They even put us in a special beautiful private suite...go Larry! The next day they started a drip to make contractions come faster...nothing...Dr. came into examine, said you were breech, and that the monitor was half broken...whatever...still didn't know if you were a girl...after several more hours they scheduled a c section...we had to wait after deliveries already scheduled were done and rooms cleaned after births...finally...our turn...I ask the Dr. if he thought you were a girl..he said he thought so...I was awake the whole time with an epidural...Larry was in the delivery room too... Dr. asked me about names...I said Lydia if a girl, no boy names yet...He said Lydia the tattoo lady then started singing a song...no, I assured him, Lydia from the Bible. He quickly quit singing Lydia the tattoo Lady...smile...then you arrived kicking the dr., feet first. Just like when the boys were born, I looked at Larry and he smiled and said a girl and whispered to me all fingers completely formed...something that was always such a matter of prayer for us...Dad wanted Jesus to be one of the first names all our children heard, so when they handed you over to him, he whispered the name above all names into your ear...of course, we had prayed, read, and talked to you for 9 months, but now you had arrived...perfect in every way...The Lord had answered the desires of my heart...Nanny came and spent the nights with us in the hospital for 4 nights. Mamaw Joyce was at our house taking care of Dad and the boys.Since you came a few weeks early, the Christmas tree was half decorated...we didn't mind... You came home in a bright red dress that Mamaw bought you. What a priceless gift from the Lord. You went to church when you were about a week old, you were fine, I could hardly walk, much less care for 2 little boys and one big boy...then dad made us a bed in the van and took us to Nannys for someone to help as I recovered...Just thought you might want to hear a few of my memories about your first birthday...I love you, Mom

I cant never get through reading this without crying. If you know me well, you know my mom and I are bestfriends. Having a daughter, this email means so much more and hits home right to my heart. One time I let a co-worker read this, and she said "girl, you were spoiled before you ever came out of the womb!". Haha. This is very true. I am still spoiled :) and now...I am passing it on to my daughter.

I am pretty sure the first time my dad held Audrie, he did the same thing. He whispered in her ear the name above all names.

Looking back on the past 24 years of my life just reminds me of how blessed I am.

We DO have a GIANT

Today Audrie is 4 months old!!! I cant believe it! And being 4 months old means a check-up and shots :( Her weight is 14 lbs 7 oz which is in the 72 percentile and height is 26 3/4 inches which is in the 100 percentile! When they told me, I was like, what? 100? It shocked me. At her last appt she was in the 80th, I think. Doc said she looked good and was healthy.

Here are some pics for our wonderful doctors appt. I know it is dorky, but I scrapbook!

Audrie and Daddy Looking at the Fishies


Being weighed, she didnt like the cold scale


Being measured, yes, our little Giant


I love her little facial expressions!


Daddy dont make me get the shots!

So the doc said we can officially start solids...We have tried rice cereal a few times for fun, but now we are supposed to do it twice a day for 2-3 weeks then start vegetables! THIS IS HAPPENING TO FAST! SO I asked the doc, well when do I feed it to her, before her bottle, after, in between? His response was yes, yes and yes. He said you have to do what works best for the baby. I wish that wasnt his answer. I need something concrete. He kept saying dont overthink it. Well I am pretty sure that is impossible. Because then I am like what vegetables do I do? Some people say only do green ones in the beginning then the doc said carrots, sweet potatoes and squash. But those are sweet vegetables and you want your baby to eat all of them not just if they are sweet. Then it said I can start her on juice. Why would I do that? Does she need juice for nutriotinal value? I dont understand. It is stressing me out. I know its not going to be perfect and every baby is different, blah, blah, but I feel like I everything I read about starting solids is different. If any of you mothers have advice please pass it on. At least I know I am doing rice cereal for the next 2-3 weeks...