My Calling

I've always wanted to be a mom. I played with baby dolls for a long time. Longer then most of the girls my age. I remember for my birthday in 5th grade, I wanted a baby doll stroller and playpen for my babies.

Fast forward a lot of years, Gt and I get married. And pretty much after the honeymoon I start asking when we can start trying to have a baby. All I ever wanted was to be a mom after all. A few months into marriage, I convince GT and myself that it took my parents 7 years to get pregnant, so it would probably take me a few years, and we should start trying ASAP. I don't know how but he believed me. And a month later, I was pregnant. LOL. Apparently fertility isn't hereditary. We laugh now.

So, 3 weeks after our first year wedding anniversary, I got my dream. We held Audrie Kate in our arms. And then came Ki, then Leslie and finally Powell.

I don't know how this happened, but life seemed to become about the next step. Let's get Audrie and Ki in school and life will be "easier". I will go back to work, we can pay off debt and have fun money. Or I can go back and get my Masters degree in Social Work. That sounded really good until we had Leslie. Ok just 5 more years...and then Powell. My life dreams were gone.

I shared this on my facebook live...I felt trapped. Stuck at home. Stuck with 4 kids. My life was over. Now all I am is a mom. All I do is mom things. All the things I wanted to do or thought I wanted to do, the door was closed. (I did love being a mom...I just wasn't content...Always waiting or anticipating the next thing...)

BUT GOD...He started working on my heart through those selfish thoughts. I would think..."God,  Psalm 37:4 says to delight in you and you will give me the desires of my heart." But thats not what is happening here! I am trying to delight and you aren't giving me my desires!

And He showed me, that when I delight in Him, HIS desires become my desires. And so a big lightbulb went off in my head and in my heart that I am CALLED to a mother. And not just any mother but a mother to Audrie, Ki, Leslie and Powell. They are MY calling.

I was telling my friend LeeAnn about this the other day and she shared a verse with me that spoke to her and her calling as a mother. I think it is so fitting and has become one that I reference often when I take my eyes off of His calling...

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."  Ephesians 4:1-2

I am a prisoner! For HIM! I was not living a life worthy of my calling. I was't happy with my calling. I had my ideas of what it would look like. I wanted the next step to be my idea not God's idea. And how fitting is verse 2 in parenting. When I allow God to transform me and lean on Him for humbleness, gentleness, patience and love, what a difference it makes in my days and weeks! How different my kids behave. The atmosphere of our home is different.                       

How much the menial tasks of everyday life changes when I change my focus off of me and onto Him. The dishes, diapers, laundry, cooking, cleaning up pee from the 2 year old and the dog, more laundry, and the list that never ends is all apart of my calling.

It is a gift that I have been given to serve my family. It is a gift to stay home everyday with my children. I am focusing on today's gifts. I don't know about the next step for my family. All my plans are out the window. I want to do what God has planned for our family. For each kid. He created me and created them. He knows the best for our family and our future.

True freedom for me was found when I stopped trying to be free. Dying to myself daily to seek His plan.

Is it perfect? Nope. Am I perfect? Nope. Nope. Nope. Are my kids perfect? NOPE. But His plan is perfect. His calling is bringing freedom and peace that I can't explain.

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23

I fail daily. Just because I am called to it doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean my calling will look like your calling. It just means He is faithful and He provides. He shows up every time in His timing. When I fail, its repentance and remembering His death and His calling for my life. We are a family full of sinners. It gets messy. It gets crazy. He is in the messy and the crazy.  For that I am deeply grateful!

Our ADHD Story

I've been wanting to write this blog for sometime. But a little part of me is hesitant. There are so many opinions on this topic. Some valid. Some ridiculous. I don't think its a black and white topic. I think it is overused, abused, misused however you want to define it. Recently, Matt Walsh did a live video on his thoughts of ADHD and it gave me the nudge I needed to write this. 

So I thought I would share our story.

Of course it starts on May 21, 2011 when we had our first baby boy! He was such a good easy baby. Crawled at 5 1/2 months, walked at 10 months. Climbed out of his bed and learned to open doors a little after a year. Whoa...Life with a boy was different. Obviously. He was hitting the normal milestones...waving, saying a few words, etc. Until he stopped. 

I have theories about why that happened but that isn't the point of this blog post. Ki was really different from Audrie and everyone told me it was the difference in a girl and boy. Which still could have some truth. He threw fits all the time. Over every little thing. If any thing was broken or out of order, it set off a tantrum. He tried so hard to communicate but we couldn't understand him 95% of the time. I kept telling the doctor but no one listened until he was 2.

He got tubes in his ears at 2 because of fluid build up and it did help with communication. He still wasn't the same as my friends kids. He struggled with boundaries. Every time we went to Chick-fil-A, he would fight or hit kids. He would climb everywhere. Huge fences, play areas, anything...it didn't matter. He had no fear. Everyone just kept telling me he was a typical boy. He would grow out of it.

I would drive home from play dates, MOPS, Mother's Day Out, church, etc... with tears streaming down my face because no matter what we did, our kid was the "bad" kid. We tried all the disciplines. We tried all the rewards. None of it mattered. I knew I was judged because of my parenting and it hurt. I just wanted him to be "normal" like Audrie. Or like his peers.

Fast forward to his 5 year well check up. I tell the doctor my concerns. Ki cannot control himself. The doctor tells me I am not stimulating his brain enough. I had 3 kids- one a baby. I felt defeated. And like I let him down in a sense. The doctor said lets see how kindergarten goes.

Kindergarten goes ok. He is learning and reading at an average level. His conduct grade was always up and down. There were a few really bad weeks at school and at home after dad died . I didn't want to medicate him because he was doing well in school. I always told myself that if he was excelling academically then I wouldn't consider medication.

This is what his behavior was like- his mind going a million times a minute, he could barely sit in a chair to eat dinner, if he had a thought in his mind he did it. Consequences didn't matter. We tried them all. One time he got in the dryer just as it had turned off. I was thankfully close behind and opened it. He couldn't open it. He spray painted my husbands truck. He peed in a bucket and poured it on his sister. He climbed on top of the roof and was playing with power lines. He broke almost everything he touched-drawers, the garage door, toys, expensive devices (2 ipads, a kindle) And a million other stories I could write a novel. I started to get scared for his safety.

I had heard such negative things about medication and again he was doing great academically.

The turning point for me came when he peed in the attic. I know its funny. But my goodness. I got him alone and said "Ki, what in the world would make you want to pee in the attic?" He says, "I dont know mom. My brain tells me to do these things and I can't tell it no." 

He was so serious and so sincere. 

Then we added Powell to our family. Things were so chaotic and stressful for everyone. Our house became tense. Ki seemed to always be in trouble. It was an awful way to live for everyone. I felt like we were drowning.

 We were going to counseling for my anxiety and we talked to her about it. She gave us a new discipline method to try out. It did help for about 2 weeks. I was so excited and had hope that things were turning around. Until it wasn't effective anymore.

I was seeing my psychiatrist and talked to him about Ki.

 I asked, "How do we teach him impulse control?" And his response, "You cant." I told him what I had feared about meds and his academics were good. He told me there was a medication that helped with impulse control that was a sedative not a stimulant. I had no idea this existed.

I immediately got in the car and called GT. Then made an appointment with Ki's pediatrician. After this appointment, we filled out an assessment and his teacher filled out one. The doctor called with the results. He said a child has to have 6 out 9 markers for ADHD and Ki had all 9. Not a surprise to me but a relief. I cried. All of these years, I felt shame for not being able to control my child or discipline him the right way. In that one phone call, it was all explained. 

My son has a chemical imbalance in his brain. That is out of his control and out of mine.

We started the medication and in a few days it was a world of difference. I could sit down with my child and have a conversation. He was getting better conduct grades. He started bringing me his medication to take it because he liked his new mind. He didn't want to make bad conduct grades. He didn't want to be the kid in trouble all the time. He didn't want to be the kid who couldn't make friends because no one liked him because he was so crazy.

Our home is so much more relaxed. Sure life happens all the time. We are all still sinners. Ki still gets in trouble for plenty but it is just being a normal kid. And I know this is just were we are right now.

You might want to know why I felt compelled to write this. Mostly, because there is a stigma around mental health and in this situation ADHD. I am not saying it doesn't get over diagnosed and abused. But what I am saying is you shouldn't judge. You should help.

We are all trying to do what is best for our children. Help the mom in target who's kid is throwing a fit. Muttering under your breath "my kid will never act that way" isn't helpful. Support your friends, don't make them feel bad because their child is different. Get to know the different child for who they are and not the label you think they have. 

Pray for them. Love them. Support them.

Moms who are struggling with a child right now. I see you and I feel you. You are NOT alone. Message me or email me (lydiaallen@gmail.com)

Will Ki be on medication forever? Who knows! Right now this is what is best for him and what is best for our family. We talk to him about it daily. He knows why he is on medication. He knows what it does to his brain. He knows he can tell us at anytime how he feels about it. We plan to take it month by month, year by year.

 (He does not know the label ADHD, he know his brain thinks really fast and he needs medication to help him slow it down to think through his decisions.)

The medication isn't a cure all. We do plan to start therapy soon for him. We want to be his best advocate and get him the most help now, so as an adult he will have the best tools for the rest of his life. He knows he is still responsible for his actions and we still expect from him what we expect of all of our children. 

We lean in on the gospel and we plead for his salvation just like our other children. 

We know that the cross is the only hope for all of us. No matter how our brain is wired.

I have always said Ki is going to make a great adult. He feels passionately. He is competitive. He is so smart. He is a quick thinker. He is hilarious. He cares deeply. He's a great kid.

Our job is to be his advocate. And that is your job for your children too. 

Research and question everything. Pray pray pray. 

Thoughts about death...A year later

A year ago today my daddy entered Heaven.

Death has taught me and continues to teach me through grieving. Death isn't natural for us. Ki recently asked me "why do people die?" The short answer- SIN. We went back to the garden of Eden for that one. Ki then said "I don't want to die!" Of course, buddy, we don't want to die. Our soul is meant to be eternal. We aren't meant to die. We were created to live for eternity. We have this yearning inside of us to live forever.  And we will all live forever. 

Death is unescapable. We will all die. And when we die all of our stuff stays. The world keeps revolving. People keep going to work and school. Activities still go on. Sports are still played and meals are still eaten. Of course for us, it will always be missing piece. So many times I've picked up my phone to call dad and tell him something. It physically hurts my heart that he is not here to hold Powell. To see Leslie's new tricks. To hear Ki's new joke. To see Audrie's new drawing. 

A verse that was shared at my dad's funeral and has stuck with me--"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart." Ecclesiastes 7:2   

The birth of a baby has always amazed me how one day you don't have a baby then the next day you do. Especially with your first. You have no idea what you are doing and they let you take this new life home! Just as quick as that seems death is even quicker. For 32 years, I had an amazing father physically on Earth. Then after 10 short and long days in hospitals, its over. And even though we KNOW dad is in Heaven, it was surreal to leave his physical body. 

If you were at dad's life celebration then you heard of the legacy my dad left. And once we leave this Earth, that is all that's left here (besides all the stuff that family has to go through :)) What a challenge it has been for me daily to consider what legacy I am leaving behind. I struggle often with feeling like I am not doing enough for God's kingdom. I am at home feeding babies and changing diapers. I pray that my children will be world changers. I hope that dad's prayers are still being heard for all of his grandchildren and children. That they will all follow, love and serve the Lord.

I am so thankful for all the memories. Family was so important to my dad. We tried to get together as much as possible. He was there for every life event. GT and I were just talking the other day about when he got laid off, my parents came over right away and brought us out to dinner at Outback. Then a few years later when GT got a new job they came to Longview and we celebrated! Every birthday, parties, graduations, hospital stay, showers, you name it- dad was there. He always answered his phone with wisdom to share. We had many talks in his living room about life. He shared theology with me when I had questions. His answer for anything was always to pray. We prayed about the insignificant and the huge decisions. 

What a gift it was and is to have a dad who loved the Lord with all of his heart, soul and mind. Even though he is terribly missed, we will spend eternity together worshipping Jesus. 

The Beginning of LESS

Two BIG things have really shaped me this year.

The death of my dad.
The birth of Powell.

I will write a long post about the first one on a different day. Death has showed me more how much stuff doesn't matter. It all stays here. Things are just things. Life is so so so short. And what matters is nothing that can be bought.

Second, having a 4th child has forced me to let more go. I can't be a Pinterest mom. I used to be. And I loved it. I love crafting and giving. I don't have the mental or physical space anymore. I don't have the time or money. Many things fall to the side and when they do it makes you wonder why you were doing it all this time. I haven't made a goody bag for any of my kids classes in 3 years. And it is FREEING! (no hate for those that do- keep going sister!)

I have been living my life in a constant state of being overwhelmed. And for awhile, I just accepted it as my new normal. I have 4 kids- 1 who is challenging daily, 2 who are babies-19 months apart. Who wouldn't be overwhelmed??? But there has to be a better way. Women have raised multiple children since the beginning. Lots more children then just 4. Surely they weren't always overwhelmed. What is the difference?

My answer: LESS.

They had a simpler life. Less stuff. Less media. Less commitments. Less choices. More family time. More of things that matter. Space to read and space to think. Space to make delicious food from scratch.

But heres the thing about me. I dont make resolutions. Because I am a quitter. I am the baby of the family. The opposite of type A perfectionist. If something gets hard, I quit. (obviously not the important stuff like my marriage or children) More like a diet. Or working out. I am not going to make a resolution to blog/write more. However, I hope to do those things more.

Sooooo... I am taking baby steps into LESS.

First I am reading this book...

Finished chapter 1 and I plan to declutter my house before moving to chapter 2. So who knows how long this process will be. I will blog about each step for accountability and maybe you can join me!
My plan is to get rid of anything that isn't necessary, needed or something special to our family.

I plan to work in my bedroom first. I feel like our bedroom becomes a catch all. So much stuff just put in here because I dont want it out there. I think our bedroom should be our sanctuary and I have given that up for far too long. Also, I have had 2 babies in 2 years which means my wardrobe is ridiculous. Too many clothes that don't fit.

First project in my room is reorganizing my desk. I am not giving up crafting forever. I tend to craft from time to time for gifts. I asked Gt the other day why we have a desk full of stuff we don't use. It just sits there. Cords, books, cell phone boxes, etc... I could utilize this space with my craft supplies instead of having to go to the garage every time I need them.

I am putting it out there for the world to see...and for accountability. (No promised time line here but hopefully sooner than later)

AHHHHHH!!! Its a mess! Why are we keeping all this stuff??? We hardly use any of it! Change is coming my friend and I am excited!

Second small way I am saying yes to more and no to less is saying yes to my kids more when I can. I have started letting Audrie (age 8) cook with me. This has made me slow down and enjoy cooking, and I am teaching her how to cook!

It's hamburger helper Velvetta style. Lol...Which sometimes is a means for survival. 

Last thing I am going to mention is someone suggested Allie Casazza! I have been looking through her blogs/website and I think it will help me on my journey!

Tell me you favorite ways to make life more simple! I look book/blog/podcast recommendations!