Wednesday, June 20, 2018

My Calling

I've always wanted to be a mom. I played with baby dolls for a long time. Longer then most of the girls my age. I remember for my birthday in 5th grade, I wanted a baby doll stroller and playpen for my babies.

Fast forward a lot of years, Gt and I get married. And pretty much after the honeymoon I start asking when we can start trying to have a baby. All I ever wanted was to be a mom after all. A few months into marriage, I convince GT and myself that it took my parents 7 years to get pregnant, so it would probably take me a few years, and we should start trying ASAP. I don't know how but he believed me. And a month later, I was pregnant. LOL. Apparently fertility isn't hereditary. We laugh now.

So, 3 weeks after our first year wedding anniversary, I got my dream. We held Audrie Kate in our arms. And then came Ki, then Leslie and finally Powell.

I don't know how this happened, but life seemed to become about the next step. Let's get Audrie and Ki in school and life will be "easier". I will go back to work, we can pay off debt and have fun money. Or I can go back and get my Masters degree in Social Work. That sounded really good until we had Leslie. Ok just 5 more years...and then Powell. My life dreams were gone.

I shared this on my facebook live...I felt trapped. Stuck at home. Stuck with 4 kids. My life was over. Now all I am is a mom. All I do is mom things. All the things I wanted to do or thought I wanted to do, the door was closed. (I did love being a mom...I just wasn't content...Always waiting or anticipating the next thing...)

BUT GOD...He started working on my heart through those selfish thoughts. I would think..."God,  Psalm 37:4 says to delight in you and you will give me the desires of my heart." But thats not what is happening here! I am trying to delight and you aren't giving me my desires!

And He showed me, that when I delight in Him, HIS desires become my desires. And so a big lightbulb went off in my head and in my heart that I am CALLED to a mother. And not just any mother but a mother to Audrie, Ki, Leslie and Powell. They are MY calling.

I was telling my friend LeeAnn about this the other day and she shared a verse with me that spoke to her and her calling as a mother. I think it is so fitting and has become one that I reference often when I take my eyes off of His calling...
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."  Ephesians 4:1-2
I am a prisoner! For HIM! I was not living a life worthy of my calling. I was't happy with my calling. I had my ideas of what it would look like. I wanted the next step to be my idea not God's idea. And how fitting is verse 2 in parenting. When I allow God to transform me and lean on Him for humbleness, gentleness, patience and love, what a difference it makes in my days and weeks! How different my kids behave. The atmosphere of our home is different.                       

How much the menial tasks of everyday life changes when I change my focus off of me and onto Him. The dishes, diapers, laundry, cooking, cleaning up pee from the 2 year old and the dog, more laundry, and the list that never ends is all apart of my calling.

It is a gift that I have been given to serve my family. It is a gift to stay home everyday with my children. I am focusing on today's gifts. I don't know about the next step for my family. All my plans are out the window. I want to do what God has planned for our family. For each kid. He created me and created them. He knows the best for our family and our future.

True freedom for me was found when I stopped trying to be free. Dying to myself daily to seek His plan.

Is it perfect? Nope. Am I perfect? Nope. Nope. Nope. Are my kids perfect? NOPE. But His plan is perfect. His calling is bringing freedom and peace that I can't explain.
And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23
I fail daily. Just because I am called to it doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean my calling will look like your calling. It just means He is faithful and He provides. He shows up every time in His timing. When I fail, its repentance and remembering His death and His calling for my life. We are a family full of sinners. It gets messy. It gets crazy. He is in the messy and the crazy.  For that I am deeply grateful!

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